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| Image courtesy of sxc.hu and Patrick Nijhuis of Deventer, the Netherlands. |
So what if some of us could use but can't manage a secretary, a housekeeper, and a full-time cheerleader? Sure, I lack all and would enjoy all, but who cares? My husband and I have three children to send to college, and I'd rather have the rather pricey children than the helpers. And I'm grateful that I was able to quit my "career" and stay home to write poetry, stories, and novels and raise children. I'm still pleased, and I'm not going to complain.
In fact, I feel wonderfully lucky not to have been born into a life where I'd end up cleaning hotel rooms (or crabs at the beach--what a tough job! I admire those women, cracking claws and laughing as they work), scraping paint off clapboard, or smiling as I ring up your brand new material possessions at Walmart. Writers need to be a part of the daily dirt and occasional magic of life just like everybody else, and we don't have to whimper if we don't live in a sweet rainbow bubble where other people serve us.
What is a spouse for? Not to be your personal servant, certainly! I'm glad to have married a man who likes to cook and does so. But I didn't and don't expect my husband to read or critique manuscripts, act as my secretary, clean the bathrooms, do the laundry for five people (or however many are in residence at the moment), vacuum, etc. Do I wish he would do all those things? It's a bit tempting . . . but no, not really, thanks.
As for Vera Nabokov, I thank her for managing Vladimir Nabokov's life and career. I hope she found considerable satisfaction and even some joy in her choice. Because that's what it was--a choice of how to live her life.
Here are some commentson the same--so far a poet, two painters, and a short story / novel writer...
ReplyDeleteAdd space between "comments" and "on"--and click on comments!
DeleteAbsolutely Marly. Now it's a choice. I'm not so sure it was then though.
DeleteWell, some made other choices, but it was not common, that's for sure. And like all quests, other choices were costly.
DeleteYou know, to be absolutely truthful, being the amanuensis and jack-of-all-trades for a much-lauded novelist was probably a much more exciting job than the average one held by women of the time. In fact, I'm wondering whether that still might hold true--we tend to forget that the average person doesn't have a splendid, fulfilling job.
Life is difficult enough without someone else telling you how to live it. Each person must be his or her own drummer, and then that person must march along smartly to the drummed cadence. Who cares about whether or not another writer, parent, or spouse hears and follows a different drummer? So, just keep banging your own drum in your own way. The foregoing curmudgeonly advice is offered with only this condition: feel free to ignore it because it is, after all, the sound and fury of a different drummer.
ReplyDeleteBrrr! Just arrived from a not-yet-done track meet. Yes, that's good advice. Not that I wouldn't mind a whole raft of people dying to volunteer on my behalf, but I can't see why they would want to do so!
DeleteI agree that we make our choices. I fell in love, with marriage and a family and a house to renovate, and having baby#3 and my parents to look after, and still trying to do my art in the midst of it. Husband worked two jobs - paid work and renovating, while I cooked and cleaned etc. We have no regrets -except I wish I had that energy I used to have now that it's the two of us.
ReplyDeleteI'm always thinking that we have to replace energy with canniness as we get older. I'm not sure exactly what that means as yet, but I definitely have times when the energy isn't there... And I do value the presence of energy in all the arts so greatly.
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