Youmans (pronounced like 'yeoman' with an 's' added) is the best-kept secret
among contemporary American writers. --John Wilson, editor, Books and Culture Marly Youmans is a novelist and poet out of sync with the times
but in tune with the ages. --First Things

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

This is just to say: Balrog poetry

This is a Glimmerglass minotaur by Clive Hicks-Jenkins.
It is not a Balrog.
'Twill serve.
What I learn from spammers: I, my friends, am evidently amazing, awesome, full of life and color. Ahem. And surely I will visit their amazing, awesome, full-of-life-and-color websites out of sheer vibrant love of their worldwide love for me. And then I will write about their for-sale products in glorious, also-vibrant words on my website and use these products at The Palace at 2:00 a.m., perhaps with seductive pictures that will make you tumble over one another, hurrying to buy.

Unfortunately, I have a little ferrying expedition to Cherry Valley that will prevent me from investigating their fashionable handbags, miracle drugs, magic vacuums, stellar designs, etc. in the next hour. So I will toodle off into the green landscape of raindrops on leaves without a care, singing loudly as I go. And on return, I am determined to be amazing, awesome, full of life and color in a revision (so far, so good.)

But suddenly I realize (ack!) that in my thoughtlessness, I abandoned the spammers to wander in the Gulf of Spam, where they have all been eaten by roaming Balrogs. Again! One of the Balrogs has left me an apology in fiery runes:
We have eaten
the spammers
that were in
the Gulf

and which
you were probably
for a bītan

Forgive us
they were delicious
so sweet
and so blōdig
Balrogs are very derivative in their poetry. Perhaps it is remarkable that they write poetry at all. Not many people know this. Now you do.


  1. And they like diacritical marks. Who knew?

    1. Indeed. Well, I knew because of my Gulf of Spam, full of frenzied, poetry-writing Balrogs... XD

  2. Only you could make such delightful mincemeat out of spam!

    1. Oh, thank you, charming Ms. Marja-Leena!

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. Hormel must writhe in despair whenever any blogger mentions Spam.

    1. I wonder... maybe it's good! They say there's no such thing as bad publicity in Marketing World.

  5. Replies
    1. Oh, that's right. Don't I feel dumb now?

      WCW was a balrog?

    2. I knew you would feel dumb, but it's good for us now and then... No, WCW was not a balrog. The balrogs are great plagiarists!

  6. Had been thinking it was a clever bit of portmanteau referencing both WCW and L. Carroll.

    1. And there it wasn't nearly as clever as that!

      Hello, Elsa Louise--haven't seen you around in a while. Hope all is well...

    2. Its gentle cleverness brought a wee smile to my lips.

    3. Mmm, evidently I have a Silliness Mission!


Alas, I must once again remind large numbers of Chinese salesmen and other worldwide peddlers that if they fall into the Gulf of Spam, they will be eaten by roaming Balrogs. The rest of you, lovers of grace, poetry, and horses (nod to Yeats--you do not have to be fond of horses), feel free to leave fascinating missives and curious arguments.